June 16, 2023

 I am exhausted. It was fun swimming today and nice to be outside for a while this afternoon. A beautiful warm day. Truly felt like summer. I am so tired and feel like I’m not thinking very clearly. Good time to sleep I suppose. It was nice being with friends and with the boys. Ryan had not been very kind overall today. He has made fun of me and he guessed what we’re giving him for Father’s Day and I’m so tired of his joking passive aggressive behavior. And I love my boys and sometimes his attitude just makes me so angry. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I wish talking helped—talking to him. It’s not that he’s grumpy always, he’s not. It’s just his unpredictable and sometimes not very kind. And it makes me always on edge. Ryan thinks I like to have something to worry about. I don’t. I don’t like it at all. And I love him and many times he brings peace to my heart. But sometimes he makes me feel really mosh and that is so sad. I feel embarrassed around him and that is not how we should make our spouses feel. Or for goodness sakes our children. I’m so sad that we do not have the kind of marriage I wish we had sometimes. Sometimes it is wonderful. But sometimes it just breaks my heart. I need to sleep. I will feel better in the morning. The boys and Ryan are watching the new avatar movie. It is so violent. It’s all fighting. I don’t lie it, but the boys wanted to watch it. I love them. I love Ryan. I wish he were as concerned about being kind as he is about a lot of other things that don’t matter. Some things matter. Some things don’t. Some things last, but most things won’t. We should be concerned and careful and committed and loving towards those things that can last. How can I have a better relationship with Ryan? How can I communicate with him some of these feelings? I need to pray and sleep.