Aglow: May 8, 2023

 Right now at 9:56 pm I am in my bed in the dark. Ryan is asleep next to me breathing slowly and peacefully. The wind is blowing in fits and starts. When it gusts it rattles the door to the boys’ room downstairs. I worry it will wake them up. If they are asleep yet. I bet James is. He was very tired already and then I have him a melatonin. Tomorrow morning he has surgery. Routine surgery to get his tonsils out. But with our family it has been anything but routine. Ryan lost 20 lbs and had withdrawn like symptoms when he stopped taking Percocet. Peter was out of school for over two weeks since he started vomiting up blood after four days or so. Long and difficult recovery for a little 8 year old. And I was miserable, but then I had my deviated septum repaired too. That kept bleeding and bleeding. And I was allergic to the pain meds. I threw up everything. I was so miserable. Ryan dressed me in his clothes—a flannel shirt and comfy pants—and so sweetly took me to the doctor’s twice in two days. I was so thankful for him. I will always and forever appreciate the way he cared for me that long and lousy week. 

I hope and pray all will go well in the morning for James. And pray that I can find peace so that I will not make others more nervous. Especially James…and William. He has so much empathy. And he is dealing with his own difficulties. Today he started taking Lexapro. The generic version. Well tonight actually. I feel beyond worried. I want him to be happier and to be free from the obsessive thoughts that are making life difficult for him. I want him to be happy and peaceful and calm and blessed. I don’t want him to suffer in this way. And so he is taking medication that can help. 

But the possibly side effects scare me so much. The scariest of them being an increased risk of suicide. One of my least favorite words ever. One of the scariest things ever. I feel paralyzed here by fear. I don’t want to worry him too much, but I want to make sure he talks to me if there are problems or if he starts feeling worse. You just never know. I am hopeful he can rest well tonight and we can help him feel comfortable and confident and like himself without the intrusive thoughts. 

I hope and pray I can do all I can to help him and help James. And of course help Peter too. I am happy to say that his day was much better. And his communication with Autumn was awesome and he is brave. They all are. Being a kid these days requires bravery.  I guess it did for me too. 

I am trying to have greater faith. I am trying to trust in the Lord. I know He loves me. I know He loves my boys. And Ryan too. I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. I can be aglow with light and love and power and courage and a sound mind. 

That was the Wordle word today: Aglow. Great word.