Three days

 So much happens in three days. Today is Wednesday, November 16, and I’m learned so much in the last three days since I last blogged. I texted my mom on Monday night and told her I wanted to celebrate Christmas Eve with my kiddos and Ryan and asked if we could do the program another day. It was rough. It was a very rough night. I dreamed about being kicked out of my group and then offered poison by the group leader. I struggled with conversations with Chris. And had a hard time explaining myself to the boys. It was rough. It’s late and I don’t want to go into everything right now. But I will say that I went for a beautiful cleansing snowy hike today. It was just so bright and clear and felt healing. I have had many good talks with Ryan. I love him and my boys more than ever. So thankful for them. My dad had some good counsel too. And I know that if we don’t love ourselves, it is hard to love others fully. There are different levels to love. And we are all learning. That is so beautiful and true. I love my Savior. He knows me and my family and my mom. He loves her and wants her to have peace and be healed. Like we all need. And that is only possible through him. 

I love what my old therapist said about our struggles. We need to pick them up and hand them to the Savior. But we really need to pick them up and look at them and then give them over to Him. Denying the past doesn’t allow us to do that. I can forgive my mom and let go. And I can ask the Savior to take my baggage. My emotional baggage and so many sins and weaknesses and mistakes. I love Hum. I want to let go of it. I want to have a future as bright and clear and beautiful as the snowy forest today.