July 6: Answers we don’t want are still answers

 This evening has been difficult for me. The whole day has been incredibly hot! Over 100 today, and with no AC in the house, we have had to be proactive in staying cool. And we have worked hard at it. And mostly it’s been pretty okay. I’m grateful for our fans and our amazing boys who are so slow to complain and so quick to help. They astound and delight me every day! They make my heart so happy!!!

But when you’ve been kinda hot all day and then you get into a 100+ degree black van to drive to the dermatologist for the second time today. And he takes two seconds to look at your boys’ sweet faces and say “yep! Doing good. Get them some more accutane. The fuse gets a little short or something. And then you eat a huge piece of bread dripping with Nutella. And you get a text from Dolly asking you to do something  with the YW and all that frustration from before when we were in YW together comes right back to the surface. And you feel bad you didn’t think of that sooner. And the youth conference that is next week is so under-prepared!! And then the bishop tells you all the stuff that happened after you left girls’ camp. And it’s not great. It’s really hard stuff. And the stake YW leader wants to talk to you. And Annie keeps saying she’s lesbian. And what do you say to that in a YW activity while you are tying blankets. And the bishop asked me on Sunday if I was burning out or feeling overwhelmed. And I wasn’t, but now I am. 

So I prayed. And I know what I need to do. And what I want to do is tell the bishop I’m just done and the girls need someone else to help them through this next bit. But what I need to do is go to the temple. And I need to read the handbook. And I need to be there so my boys know I care and love them. 

So that’s what I’ll do. But I’m going to keep trying to find a good house with AC. And I’m going to figure out what it would cost to put in AC in this house! And I’m gonna done a new vehicle we can drive to Cedar City in a month. And I’m gonna keep being the best mom and wife and sister and friend and daughter and YW leader and neighbor I know how to be. And when I fail, I’ll get up and try again.