July 22: Charity the advocate

 Apparently that’s my personality type? I still think I’m a mediator, but last time I took the test that’s what came up. Lots of great people like Martin Luther and Mother Theresa were advocates. Leaders who have a strong sense of purpose and desire to do good. That sounds pretty great. They are the rarest type too apparently. Which always sounds cool for some reason to be the rare one. To be special. I retook the test yesterday with the boys while we were waiting for Ryan to do something. And all of us felt that the results may have been a little bit off. 

Today I had a therapy session over the phone with my therapist Dayna. Who is great and really gets me. And she used the word Advocate a few times in our session—as a verb. “I want you to notice all the times you don’t speak up and share you opinion or thoughts or needs every day this week—notice it and then advocate for yourself. Advocate for yourself and get your own back and let other people know that your thoughts and opinions are important too.”

She reminded me that every time we say to ourselves, “It’s okay. I won’t say anything. I don’t want to rock the boat or cause a problem. It doesn’t matter that much really. I’ll just let them choose or do things their way.” Every time we say that we silence ourselves and we basically say, “You don’t matter. Your opinion doesn’t matter. And you are not important.” And we teach other people to see us that way and treat us that way too. 

My three pillars of a joy filled life are learning to love God, ourselves and others. How can I really be loving myself if I’m telling myself to be quiet all the time— that others matter more and are more valuable? That’s not love. I’m working on it. I will keep working on it because I want to thrive and flourish, not just survive! And I think that sadly that’s what Connie has done too often. Let others decide for her, and not speak up, so she feels very uncomfortable doing it now. She is very kind to others, but not to herself. I love her very much and in lots of ways want to be like her. But not in that way. 

Got a blessing today. Starting to feel better. I love my family. Need to spend more one on one time with boys and Ryan.