Day 2: The full range of motherly emotion...

 So yesterday turned out to be one of those days when I feel the full range of motherly emotion! OK maybe not the full range, but pretty big swings. I went on the hike with my mom and Madi and it was wonderful and my boots worked great! Saw some beautiful wildflowers and enjoyed hanging out with them. I ran a few more errands… Looked for a Hawaiian shirt for William to wear to his concert, but when I couldn’t find one ended up fixing the buttons on one of Ryan’s old ones. I started dinner, ate some lunch quickly, tidy the house change the laundry and then it was time to get the boys. I picked them up and could tell that Peter was not feeling great, but that William and James were! James had one of the best days of his school career! He got to play math games and English games and reading games and lots of extra time outside on the playground playing gaga ball. He loves games, and he especially loves games where you have to think! He got to play chess and totally destroyed his friend! And then he lost a battleship. He got to play a game where he had to defend something he didn’t really agree with for a minute and when he did that he got a rice crispy treat. His teacher has really helped these kids learn to think critically and I am very impressed with all that James has learned this year! He has simply thrived academically and is so excited this week to make a float like a parade float representing the state of Oregon. He was so excited that he got Oregon! Besides Utah that is his favorite state! William was also quite happy about his day. He had had fun in his classes, and had basically finished up all of the regular schoolwork. Other than a few final math assignments which I helped him with after school. He gave his email address to a few friends so they can keep in touch over the summer. He was especially concerned about making sure that Katie had his email address. He definitely likes her, and they are pretty cute. But he is quite determined to not tell her that he likes her and to be sure that she knows he can’t date until he’s 16 and can’t date exclusively until after his mission! What a blessing it is to be able to learn from older brothers! William was a little nervous for his concert, but we got home worked on his math had some cookies, and Peter went to guitar lessons with uncle John. He is doing so great with that and really enjoys it… Plus I think the timeline on one with his uncle is really nice! Ryan got home, we had dinner quickly, I got myself finally officially dressed for the day, and helped William finish getting dressed and looking so snazzy for his concert! The Hawaiian shirt looks great, and he is an awesome trumpet player! We got to the school for the concert James William and I, Ryan and Peter stopped at the store to pick something up for one of Peter‘s projects. He has been working for the last week or so on a prop from the movie/book dune. His English teacher asked them all to make something from the books that they have chosen to read, and Peter has been reading the book Dune. Jon is quite happy about that too! 

When we got to the auditorium I was amazed at how many people were already there, and it was a struggle to save enough seats for everyone… But we got her seat saved and gradually the grandparents and aunts and uncles started coming in. It was so sweet all of the support for William! Connie and Calvin were there, and my mom and Stan, and my dad came, and Mike and Anna too. That was me Ryan will and James meant 11 people over there supporting William! Even today that brings tears to my eyes as I think about all of the love and support that my kids get from family! William was just being mean! And he did so well! He’s the first chair trumpeter right now, and doing such a great job. I could hear him and he sounded great and he looked awesome! It was such a fun and special evening! And I was just grateful to be a mom and to be there and felt so much gratitude for this past year and experiences that we’ve had as a family and experiences that my kids have had at their new schools! There was so much fear and trepidation as we started out the school year, after being home together for so long! And William started in seventh grade as the new kid was not easy, but he has made so many great friends and he has loved band and art and his English teacher and he has thrived! And I am so happy! We went to Dillons afterwards and got shakes, and it was fun to sit around and visit and see Autumn and Amberly there too. Another important aspect of our year and the bridge from at home Covid times two back to school times. We got home and everyone was kind of tired, so high relax a little bit while the boys played some William ball outside, with a Cashes, and Peter went back to working on his knife from June. Soon it was time for bed, so we had prayer and then Peter asked me can I keep working on this?

I told him I was OK if he worked on it for another half hour, but then he should probably get to bed. And then he asked me if I could help him, and I told him I really didn’t know how to use the item they had purchased, and he should probably wait and ask dad. Ryan was not feeling very well though, and was in the restroom, and so Peter went downstairs to work on it I assumed. Ryan came out and we talked a little bit and he was sore and tired and feeling under the weather. I went downstairs to check on the boys and to lock up, and William was so sweet and gave me a big hug and when I told him I was proud of him, he told me he was proud of me! And then I said good night to Peter who was so sad and frustrated. I was genuinely surprised. I knew he had wanted to get his knife finished, but I didn’t understand what exactly he was upset about until it all came out.  

He sat on his bed and I stood next to him as he told me all about how frustrated he felt. He was frustrated because he wanted to finish this and felt like he was asking for help but wasn’t getting it. He was frustrated because he had argued about politics with Autumn during lunch and she had not been very kind, and he had felt bad and it had all just felt really bad at lunch. And then he was frustrated because he didn’t know how to feel about a lot of things going on at school, with Bella and Oscar, and then also with Emma and her death that of course is still a big weight on everyone’s shoulders. The kids are grieving all in their own separate ways, and Peter just said he’s not sure how to feel. He has experience so much for such a young person. To have a friend commit suicide is not something that anyone wants to experience, but his freshman year of high school?! It’s so sad, and very hard to know how to feel all the time. Maybe you feel guilty that you don’t feel more sad now or maybe you see everyone else being sad and wish that they were just be happy again? Lots of feelings and nothing very easy about any of it! Peter also felt frustrated because his allergies have been really bad, and he hasn’t had his glasses for four days. They broke, and we tried to fix them, and they broke again, so they’ve been at the eye doctors until just a few minutes ago. So you’ve had a headache all day, and not able to see anybody! So many struggles and he has been happy for Well and his concert, but that had taken a lot of time that he had planned on working on the prop.

My heart broke as I heard him pour out his troubles and frustrations. I gave him a big hug and told him that I loved him so much in his frustration he had been quite abrupt and a little rude, and he told me that he felt so badly that he had let me down and let heavenly father down too. I told him that I understood, and he didn’t need to worry, and then I told him that if heavenly father would were there, he would give him the biggest hug and tell him that he was doing so good! He would tell him that he knew things have been really hard, but he was so proud of Peter and that he was so grateful for him, that he loved him so much! Peter started to cry softly, and I hugged him again, and told him to try and get some sleep after I gave him some ibuprofen and an allergy tablet.

I then walked upstairs slowly and told Ryan what Peter had just said, and he could see the sadness that I felt, and he said he felt badly like he’d let him down, because he hadn’t helped him as much as he wanted to with the knife. When I told him everything he asked me is there anything else? I said no, we said our nighttime prayer and then Ryan said OK, I’m gonna head downstairs and finish the knife. Ryan is amazing, and one thing I love about him is that he listens, but then he wants to fix the problem and he wants to do what’s needed and so he does! He was tired and not feeling well, but his son was counting on him and his son was sad and so he wanted to fix it. So that’s what he did, and I came downstairs with him and helped hand him things and rents out jars and such. In about an hour and a half he had the knife all finished prepped and drying for the night. It was just like Christmas Eve! I felt like a little elf down there making something that I knew would bring great joy to my son. And I was so grateful for Ryan! I love him so much and I know he loves me and our boys! We went to sleep at night last night tired and happy. And this morning I was so excited for him to find it. When he did he was so happy and he came up and sing to Ryan and they talked about how he had finished it, what he had done, and how Peter could take a knife to school without raising question!! 

This morning after dropping off the boys I called the eye Doctor Who is happy to report that the glasses were finished. And so I just left the

Boys school after dropping off Peter‘s fixed glasses, and getting to see him for a moment so happy and grateful! He came from his English class where he had been showing off the knife to his class and his teacher, and he was going to be able to see and not get a headache anymore, and everyone loves a knife, and he was so happy. It made me so happy to see him happy again and grateful and knowing how much we loved him! Peter is a very responsible 15 1/2-year-old, and he likes to do a lot of things for himself. And I understand that, but I was reminded last night that he still needs his parents, and sometimes he thinks he can do things on his own but he needs help. And he’s not always going to ask for it directly, maybe he will ask in a roundabout way, but he still needs help, and he needs reminders that he still our son and we love him and we will do anything we can to help him! And so yesterday and this morning I have felt that range of motherly feelings from pride and gratitude and love to heartbreak and guilt and sadness, to love and excitement and gratitude and so much live once again!

And now I’m trying to avoid being home while my sweet in-laws are there using the shower. They are hiding from a plumber who is in their house right now, and I don’t know how long they are going to be. I wanted to start work on Peter‘s bedroom, but I’d rather not do that while they are there. I think it might scare them to see me in a hazmat suit! So I will make some calls and pay some bills and cents and tax, and eat a chicken wrap at Dillons or something!!