I can't remember the last time I was lonely. It just doesn't happen much to me. I miss my family sometimes. And I worry about them a lot---too much. But if I know my family is doing great, and they don't need me, I am usually quite happy to have time alone. I need that time to recharge, and figure things out. But I also really love and care deeply about others, and I realize that loving God, ourselves and others is the key to eternal life and enduring joy. That is the fulfilling of the law. So I'm an introvert who really loves other people. My family always comes first, and I love them more than I ever thought I could love anybody. My parents and siblings and Ryan's family too are right on the top of my beloved people list. But I also have come to really love and appreciate my friends justin the past ten years or so. Growing up I didn't have a lot of friends, and I had so many people living in my home, and so much to do at home, and I love my siblings so much-- they were my friends. I didn't feel the need for friends outside of my family. And when I got married, I got to live all the time with my very best friend. I had a built-in best buddy!! And then I had my kiddos, and they took all my time and effort, and I loved it. Being a mom, as I may have said before, has been my favorite thing! But when James was born, and I had three little ones and had started to figure out a few things, but also started freaking out about other things, it was so nice to discover the benefits of having friends--friends who grew up in different homes with different families and experiences, but were in a similar situation now to me. I found it so helpful to talk to other moms with little kids, and hear that they had similar struggles, and freaked out about similar things, and that they were still figuring out lots of stuff just like me. But they had new and different ideas, because of their unique life experiences. It was nice to talk to grown-ups during the day. It was nice to know I was not alone in my insecurities. I really came to appreciate my friends. And I have loved getting together with them again post-Covid-vaccinations! But I have realized that friendships come in several different flavors. Some friends are folks you could talk to every single day and never get sick of talking to. These friends are not people you are trying to impress. These friends are very real and they see you at your best and at your worst. And they love you and you know it. Then there are friends you don't see often, but when you do, you instantly reconnect and feel that closeness, and it is so good to catch up and you feel amazed that you have had so many of the same thoughts and life experiences even though you haven't talked in forever.
And then there are the friends that I'm still learning to understand. Friends whose insecurites sometimes make them seem competitive. Friends who sometimes seem happy if something bad happens to me, and sad when something happy happens to me. The healthier I get emotionally, the less I am bothered by this kind of insecure competitiveness. And the more I feel compassion for these friends instead of anger, frustration, sadness and betrayal. I don't want to throw myself into situations where I'm being treated unkindly or unfairly all the time, every day. But when I can step back, and realize that it's not about me, really, I can still love these friends. And I can love mysefl too. Because when I'm not loving God, others and myself, then something is off balance, and I need to get back to good---need to connect with the Spirit, repent, and get that guidance I need. I need to brush myself off, and get a drink of cold water, and keep on my trail, my hike up my mountain of life, so to speak. I forget this...the need for those three loves every day. I forget often, and I start being unkind---usually to myself. But the Spirit reminds me, and I think about how much I love my kids, and how I want them to treat themselves, and then I remember. So grateful for all my friends, and the things I've learned about life and love from each one of them.
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