"I love you, and no."

"I love you, and no."

Yesterday was Sunday, and it was a day of church, and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and veggie chili and a ward walk-about with friends and neighbors.

It was a day of rest and spiritual renewal.  I partook of the sacrament and I felt the Spirit during sacrament meeting.  And I sent James home with Ryan where James took an hour-long nap (still feeling a little sick yesterday!).  

I helped the boys make cards for their aunt and uncle who both recently got engaged!! I don't think I mentioned that in a previous post!  Mike just got engaged to Anna! They are getting married on February 8th, and I am so happy for them and think they will be very happy.  And Madi is so excited to get married in May (she got engaged in August) and she is going to the temple for her endowments on her birthday the 12th of October.

So much good stuff going on in my life that I love.

But yesterday was also a day of tears.  It is that time of the month when I am anticipating a visit from Aunt Flo! And I am very emotional.  But it was also a bit hard yesterday in Relief Society.  The lesson was taken from the talk this last conference from President Nelson about receiving revelation.  I love the talk and I have been focused on receiving all year long....that's been my focus word this year.  But yesterday I found myself feeling hurt and unhappy and that all around me received answers and I had not.  I felt that even the little details of others' lives were taken care of, but the huge questions in my life remained unanswered.  

I want to have a baby.  I love having children.  I love my boys so much.  I think being a mother is the best thing in the entire world.  And I am not ready to be done.  

I keep asking Heavenly Father to help me.  But so often I get the feeling that I need to focus on other things right now.  Those five things I mentioned in a previous post: my home, my health, my finances, my family history and temple work, and my talents.  Plus I have that expanded, huge and wonderful list of things "I do all day"! From a previous post.  I love my life.  And I wish I could have more babies.  

So yesterday I felt like I was not having my prayers answered.  But I was.  And I have received so many answers.  This past summer at Stake Conference I felt very strongly that I should not get pregnant again.  I felt that it would not be good for my body.  I felt that I should work on other things right now.  It was clear, and though it was hard for me to hear "no", I also felt a lot of peace and hope and love.  It was a "I love you, and no."

But because I am human and I forget things and I still love babies, I kept thinking in the back of my mind that if I really tried to be healthy and really worked hard I would probably still have a chance to be pregnant and have more babies.  At least one.  That was the answer I wanted.  

And the truth is, receiving an answer we don't want is still receiving an answer!!! I received personal revelation.  I receive it almost every day.  Usually the revelation is a huge feeling that Heavenly Father loves me no matter what.  It is love.  Love is the answer to all of my prayers.  And sometimes there is more specific guidance too.  Like with having a baby.  I shouldn't do it.  At least I shouldn't get pregnant again.  Would not be good for my heart, my kids, my hubby, or the baby.  

Maybe we will adopt? Maybe we will not.  But whatever happens I know I am loved and that Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers.  

When I was playing the closing hymn yesterday at the end of the lesson I remembered all this, and felt once again a giant wave of love from my Heavenly Father.  And I felt once again that I should not have a baby.  I was spoken to again. The Spirit blessed me to know my Heavenly Father loves me and heard me.  It was a huge and wonderful, "I love you, and no."  

I began crying as I played.  Other eyes were wet too after the song.  I believe I was inspired to pick that one, and Karen said as much too as she finished leading the music. It was "Nearer My God, to Thee."  I am so grateful for personal revelation.  I am grateful for God's nearness to me. 

Later in the evening I shared my experience with Ryan.  He loves me, and he wants me to be happy, but he doesn't feel the same way about having more children.  And so at first I think he felt that we have had this type of conversation many times.  And we have.  We had an almost identical conversation at least once after stake conference.  And he has been supportive and loving every time.  

This time he said something like, "I'm still okay with this.  This hasn't changed for me."  I started to cry profusely.  I felt embarrassed that this is so hard for me.  I felt like a complete fool....which is easy for me to slip into feeling.  Of course this was nothing new...it was the same thing, but I needed another reminder that the answer was no, but there was so much love along with that no. 

I told Ryan, through sobs, that I knew it wasn't anything new, but that I just wished that he would say that everything was going to be okay.  And he loved me.  And he knew that this was hard for me.  But that it would all work out.  

He said all of that.  

I said that I hated feeling so needy.  

And then he said something that was exactly what I needed to hear.  

"Everyone is needy sometimes.  It's okay."

I didn't feel like it was okay before he said that.  I felt like I should meet all my own needs, and I shouldn't need anyone else to help me feel okay.  

"That's what a helpmeet is for, " he continued.

I cried even harder, but this time I felt so relieved and grateful and joyful and so glad to have Ryan as my helpmeet.  We were going to be just fine.  In fact we already were.  And I love our life together. With or without more babies. 

 And my life was going to take a different path from the one I would have chosen.  That's how life is.  I'm reading Prince Caspian to the kids, and theres this part we just read where the four kids and the dwarf are trying to meet up with Prince Caspian and his army and they can't seem to get through the forest and over a gorge to where they need to go.  Then they are making a decision to go left or right and Lucy sees Aslan.  But she's the only one who seems him.  And she tells everyone and they don't see him and Aslan is telling her to follow him to the right, but it seems counterintuitive and much harder and like it will take them in the wrong direction.  So they go the other way and waste a whole day and almost get killed by the bad king's army and when they get back to where they were before Lucy sees Aslan again.  And this time she convinces everyone to follow her and she follows him.  And he takes her on a path that nobody else knew about, around the mountains and over the river and they get right where they wanted to be.  The path looks dangerous, and impossible, but when she follows him, though there is tough scrambling up rocks at times, and big leaps, she makes it.  It is very possible when she keeps watching the lion.

So my life is like a journey to the top of a mountain.  And having children through pregnancy has been a part of that journey.  It's like paragliding over a gorge.  I've loved it, and it's been wonderful each of the three times. It's been scary and even a little dangerous (James' birth, Peter's allergies, William's ER visits), but it's been absolutely gorgeously wonderful and more joyful than I even could have imagined.  And of course I want to try it again.  But now that I'm too this next gorge in my life's path, I feel like Heavenly Father is telling me that this time there is a different way.  And my path now may not include more children.  But it will be wonderful and exhilarating and perfect for me as 39-year-old Charity.  I was reminded of the bridge in Indiana Jones (the third one) that he can't even see, because it matches the rocks on either side and below the huge drop off.  And he can't see it.  The bridge is there and he can't see it, and he remembers he has to take the step of faith.  And he does.  And then he knows it's there.  

I don't plan on stepping off any cliffs, but spiritually, emotionally, I am taking some steps and some leaps of faith right now.  I have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and it is even better than what I wanted for myself.  I have faith that his blueprints for my home are better and more castle-like than the little tidy cottage I drew up.  I have faith that I will be okay.  Better than okay.  I have faith that Heavenly Father can bless me to be my best self and so full of joy without any more pregnancies.  I have faith that there are many reasons why more pregnancies would not be good for me and I don't have to know what they all are.  

I have faith that as I follow this prompting and truly receive this personal revelation along with all the blessings I've been given and am being given this very moment and every day, that I will be further blessed with more revelation and more blessings.  Future revelation comes when current revelation is followed.

And even though the answer is "no", I know I am loved and I love my life.