"You got a problem with me, Sista?"
Yesterday was the Fun Run Pep Rally. I walked almost 8 miles yesterday (according to my awesome apple watch), and only 3 of them were intentional. It was a really busy day. It was fun, but really busy, and I was and am exhausted. I am so glad it's done. It went well. It was fun, and I think it helped the kids get the information they needed in a fun way. They left motivated, excited, and covered with bits of blue, green, white and purple confetti. We moms and some teachers shot them with confetti canons at the end of the rally.
I don't want to be in charge of fun run again next year. In fact, I know already that someone else has offered to take charge next year, and I was relieved to hear it. BUT, I know that I could do it. We still have the actual run on the 18th, and I have had tons of help from Renee and Alisha. I could not have done all this without their huge help, and their wealth of experience. But, I could do it. And that feels good. It feels good to do hard things that stretch me. And that's what I did yesterday.
Today I have had a quick and easy hour and a half at the school sorting prizes, updating charts, and counting and sorting T-shirts. Renee and Alisha helped. I didn't have to go on stage and do a cheer, and it was really nothing hard. But today I have been stretched in less obvious ways.
First of all, I'm really tired. My heart is struggling just a bit. And I am trying not to let that mean that I won't ever have another baby. And then I try and not let that mean that I need to feel sad. I've been through this thought work before, and I know that I can feel joy right now, the joy I would feel with a new baby. I can feel joy and love and abundance today. I know that, and I know that eventually I will have more children. But I also know that I can be that mother, that version of Charity-- today.
So this whole bad-heart-day-means-I-can't-have-baby cycle is easier than it has been in the past, but there still is that stretching going on, and that less-obvious, but still difficult challenge of today. And the fact that it is pretty predictable...if I have a full, physically active day, the next day will be physically tougher...doesn't necessarily make it easier. It's true for everyone, though. It's just about degrees, steps, levels. And I'm definitely more healthy than I was a year ago. This is a good thing for me, my hubby, my kids, and all the people I love and serve. I have millions of people that I can love....actually billions. And I can be that awesome version of Charity today. I keep telling myself that, and I'm trying to listen to myself!
The other stretching I'm noticing today, started while I was taking a slowish, shortish walk with Molly. While we were walking she mentioned that her sister, who for some reason is living with her now(???!!!!), as of Sunday, doesn't feel good about her kids coming over to play with my kids. What the heck, man?!! I felt so insulted!! Why wouldn't she want her kids to play with mine?! My kids are awesome! What the heck?!!! I felt so bad, and obviously from the number of exclamation points and question marks I am spontaneously using, I still do feel bad. All these thoughts start swirling around in my brain:
Is it because my kids aren't home-schooled like hers? Is it because they wear screen-prints? Is it because they talk about Star Wars and Zelda all the time? Is it because I'm overweight? Is it because I have a bunch of environmental stickers on my van? Greenpeace amongst the most prominent! Is it because not only do my kids go to school outside my home, they also go to a "hippie" school. Is it because Molly told her I'm a democrat? Is it because my husband works in Salt Lake and commutes? Is it because she thinks I'm a bad influence on Molly? Is it because we have nerf-guns? Is it because our yard is messy? Is it because I use too many colors on my porch? Is it because I let my kids use screens during the week? Is it because I have a red-head?!!!!!!! And so on and so on. My kids are amazing and wonderful. My home is amazing and wonderful. And if she doesn't like them/it, then she is a fool and it's her loss!!!
So....let's try and stretch a little bit. She is in a very unusual, and very vulnerable situation. She has chosen, along with her husband (who I think she probably is having struggles with) have very intentionally chosen a sheltered life for their kids. Home-schooling is just the beginning. Their kids never play at other homes unless they (the parents) are with them. They only have screen time on the weekends. They live in Utah County, in a canyon. They have an acre of property, or more, and they don't live right next door to awesome neighbors like us.
It's not about me... at all.
Really, I can have empathy for her. If I get out of my own insecurity! She is scared. She is living with so much fear and it's making it hard for her to go back home and continue her life. She is not happy with her current situation. She is doing something that the rest of the world would see as very unusual. She does not have a planned time to return to her house. Molly and Devin live a very different life, and it's always hard to blend families anyways. She doesn't know me very well. Her husband is even more anxious and over-protective than she is. She tends to only say the positive, when in reality she feels lots of negative stuff, and it's been bottled up forever and she's exploded a little bit. It happens. She comes across as fake, to me. And I have a real struggle with fake people. And the fact that she doesn't want her kids over makes me feel even less kindly towards her. But instead of feeling dislike, and defensiveness, I can choose to put myself in her shoes, stretch my swirling brain, and feel empathy and compassion. It's sad that she feels like she needs to be fake, and needs to protect her children from kind, very active LDS, loving, non-threatening, bishopric member, hippie democrats!
It's not about me....
And yesterday when I finally was able to suck it up and face getting up on stage in front of the whole school, was after my mom reminded me of this. She empathized with me, and told me she'd be terrified too, but that it might help to realize that the pep rally was really not about me. I was a tool, a window for light to shine through. I was just there to convey information, to motivate and excite, and help the kids feel heard, seen, and special.
Remembering that, I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father, and my value is unchanging and infinite. I am a pencil in His hand. Or a window to His love. At least I am when I stop worrying about what other people think of me. The pencil and the window are valuable because they are God's, and He loves them. And they can help Him with His work, and they can learn eventually to be like Him. And that love they practice and learn brings great eternal joy!
I don't want to be in charge of fun run again next year. In fact, I know already that someone else has offered to take charge next year, and I was relieved to hear it. BUT, I know that I could do it. We still have the actual run on the 18th, and I have had tons of help from Renee and Alisha. I could not have done all this without their huge help, and their wealth of experience. But, I could do it. And that feels good. It feels good to do hard things that stretch me. And that's what I did yesterday.
Today I have had a quick and easy hour and a half at the school sorting prizes, updating charts, and counting and sorting T-shirts. Renee and Alisha helped. I didn't have to go on stage and do a cheer, and it was really nothing hard. But today I have been stretched in less obvious ways.
First of all, I'm really tired. My heart is struggling just a bit. And I am trying not to let that mean that I won't ever have another baby. And then I try and not let that mean that I need to feel sad. I've been through this thought work before, and I know that I can feel joy right now, the joy I would feel with a new baby. I can feel joy and love and abundance today. I know that, and I know that eventually I will have more children. But I also know that I can be that mother, that version of Charity-- today.
So this whole bad-heart-day-means-I-can't-have-baby cycle is easier than it has been in the past, but there still is that stretching going on, and that less-obvious, but still difficult challenge of today. And the fact that it is pretty predictable...if I have a full, physically active day, the next day will be physically tougher...doesn't necessarily make it easier. It's true for everyone, though. It's just about degrees, steps, levels. And I'm definitely more healthy than I was a year ago. This is a good thing for me, my hubby, my kids, and all the people I love and serve. I have millions of people that I can love....actually billions. And I can be that awesome version of Charity today. I keep telling myself that, and I'm trying to listen to myself!
The other stretching I'm noticing today, started while I was taking a slowish, shortish walk with Molly. While we were walking she mentioned that her sister, who for some reason is living with her now(???!!!!), as of Sunday, doesn't feel good about her kids coming over to play with my kids. What the heck, man?!! I felt so insulted!! Why wouldn't she want her kids to play with mine?! My kids are awesome! What the heck?!!! I felt so bad, and obviously from the number of exclamation points and question marks I am spontaneously using, I still do feel bad. All these thoughts start swirling around in my brain:
Is it because my kids aren't home-schooled like hers? Is it because they wear screen-prints? Is it because they talk about Star Wars and Zelda all the time? Is it because I'm overweight? Is it because I have a bunch of environmental stickers on my van? Greenpeace amongst the most prominent! Is it because not only do my kids go to school outside my home, they also go to a "hippie" school. Is it because Molly told her I'm a democrat? Is it because my husband works in Salt Lake and commutes? Is it because she thinks I'm a bad influence on Molly? Is it because we have nerf-guns? Is it because our yard is messy? Is it because I use too many colors on my porch? Is it because I let my kids use screens during the week? Is it because I have a red-head?!!!!!!! And so on and so on. My kids are amazing and wonderful. My home is amazing and wonderful. And if she doesn't like them/it, then she is a fool and it's her loss!!!
So....let's try and stretch a little bit. She is in a very unusual, and very vulnerable situation. She has chosen, along with her husband (who I think she probably is having struggles with) have very intentionally chosen a sheltered life for their kids. Home-schooling is just the beginning. Their kids never play at other homes unless they (the parents) are with them. They only have screen time on the weekends. They live in Utah County, in a canyon. They have an acre of property, or more, and they don't live right next door to awesome neighbors like us.
It's not about me... at all.
Really, I can have empathy for her. If I get out of my own insecurity! She is scared. She is living with so much fear and it's making it hard for her to go back home and continue her life. She is not happy with her current situation. She is doing something that the rest of the world would see as very unusual. She does not have a planned time to return to her house. Molly and Devin live a very different life, and it's always hard to blend families anyways. She doesn't know me very well. Her husband is even more anxious and over-protective than she is. She tends to only say the positive, when in reality she feels lots of negative stuff, and it's been bottled up forever and she's exploded a little bit. It happens. She comes across as fake, to me. And I have a real struggle with fake people. And the fact that she doesn't want her kids over makes me feel even less kindly towards her. But instead of feeling dislike, and defensiveness, I can choose to put myself in her shoes, stretch my swirling brain, and feel empathy and compassion. It's sad that she feels like she needs to be fake, and needs to protect her children from kind, very active LDS, loving, non-threatening, bishopric member, hippie democrats!
It's not about me....
And yesterday when I finally was able to suck it up and face getting up on stage in front of the whole school, was after my mom reminded me of this. She empathized with me, and told me she'd be terrified too, but that it might help to realize that the pep rally was really not about me. I was a tool, a window for light to shine through. I was just there to convey information, to motivate and excite, and help the kids feel heard, seen, and special.
Remembering that, I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father, and my value is unchanging and infinite. I am a pencil in His hand. Or a window to His love. At least I am when I stop worrying about what other people think of me. The pencil and the window are valuable because they are God's, and He loves them. And they can help Him with His work, and they can learn eventually to be like Him. And that love they practice and learn brings great eternal joy!
Comments
Post a Comment