New Boots, Mint Leopards, and Mathematical Mayans
Today is Thursday, March 8, 2018...as you'll probably know from the very organized way this blog is laid out, but I have to tell myself that often throughout the day, because it's hard for me to believe it's already Thursday, March 8, 2018. I often start the day off by changing the little chalkboard calendar we have hanging up in our dining room. And then I will announce to anyone who is listening (this includes Kitty) that today is Thursday, March 8, 2018. It makes me feel a little bit like a journalist on NPR, and if we just had the right snappy music in the background, I think I would.
A week ago was March first, and I went on a little drive down to Payson, Utah.
I went down there to see my brother who was in rehab there. He's struggled with addiction for over ten years now, and it was really good for him to be in rehab again, and I'm so glad he was brave enough to make that decision, but it was really hard for me to go back there...even just for one night. It brought back so many memories of four and a half years ago, when I first realized that our family... my siblings and parents that is...had some serious issues. And it let to anxiety so intense, I thought I really couldn't be a parent anymore. I didn't want to mess up and lead my kids to make bad choices like Jon had made. I was paralyzed by fear of hurting my kids. It was probably the hardest time of my life. But I worked through it...with lots of prayers and tears and long talks with Ryan, who is officially my husband and therapist and best friend.
But going back down there meant revisiting that time, and I was afraid I'd be knocked back into the same frame of mind. I wasn't. I remembered the things I've learned these last years. I remembered that I can't be perfect, and I don't need to be. That loving other people and myself is my job, not being perfect. I remembered that there is this amazing thing called the Atonement of Christ, that makes up for all of my imperfections, and sins, and also all of Jon's or my kids' or anyone and everyone else's. I remembered that just because I'm aware of bad things doesn't mean they will happen or that I will do them. I remembered that I can feel pity and compassion rather than anger and hurt.
But it was still a really tough evening for me. I was a little worn out. And I felt uncertain and heavy. The next day I felt a little lighter, because it was morning, and mornings always help me feel lighter, and after dropping the boys off at school, I changed into my red and black dress and grabbed my copy of One Fish, Two Fish, and headed back to school...more specifically to James' 1st-grade class.
Sound of Music
Talk with Molly
Talk with Melissa
Take it one conversation at a time. Do the best you can today to be real and loving and genuine.
Shoveling snow and Sunday morning bath-time
Dinner with Ryan's family
Ordered T-shirts online, and talked to Ryan and admitted to his mother that I am not perfect, and neither is our family! Aaaah!!!! and Phew!!!!!
Monday morning boots for James--dropped off disposable cameras
Tuesday Mint leopards and Math tests
Wednesday Mayan Creation Myths
Meeting new neighbors named Valee
Haley and the Young Women
Thursday's with Clara....never giving up!!!
A week ago was March first, and I went on a little drive down to Payson, Utah.
I went down there to see my brother who was in rehab there. He's struggled with addiction for over ten years now, and it was really good for him to be in rehab again, and I'm so glad he was brave enough to make that decision, but it was really hard for me to go back there...even just for one night. It brought back so many memories of four and a half years ago, when I first realized that our family... my siblings and parents that is...had some serious issues. And it let to anxiety so intense, I thought I really couldn't be a parent anymore. I didn't want to mess up and lead my kids to make bad choices like Jon had made. I was paralyzed by fear of hurting my kids. It was probably the hardest time of my life. But I worked through it...with lots of prayers and tears and long talks with Ryan, who is officially my husband and therapist and best friend.
But going back down there meant revisiting that time, and I was afraid I'd be knocked back into the same frame of mind. I wasn't. I remembered the things I've learned these last years. I remembered that I can't be perfect, and I don't need to be. That loving other people and myself is my job, not being perfect. I remembered that there is this amazing thing called the Atonement of Christ, that makes up for all of my imperfections, and sins, and also all of Jon's or my kids' or anyone and everyone else's. I remembered that just because I'm aware of bad things doesn't mean they will happen or that I will do them. I remembered that I can feel pity and compassion rather than anger and hurt.
But it was still a really tough evening for me. I was a little worn out. And I felt uncertain and heavy. The next day I felt a little lighter, because it was morning, and mornings always help me feel lighter, and after dropping the boys off at school, I changed into my red and black dress and grabbed my copy of One Fish, Two Fish, and headed back to school...more specifically to James' 1st-grade class.
Sound of Music
Talk with Molly
Talk with Melissa
Take it one conversation at a time. Do the best you can today to be real and loving and genuine.
Shoveling snow and Sunday morning bath-time
Dinner with Ryan's family
Ordered T-shirts online, and talked to Ryan and admitted to his mother that I am not perfect, and neither is our family! Aaaah!!!! and Phew!!!!!
Monday morning boots for James--dropped off disposable cameras
Tuesday Mint leopards and Math tests
Wednesday Mayan Creation Myths
Meeting new neighbors named Valee
Haley and the Young Women
Thursday's with Clara....never giving up!!!
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