January 12, 2018
Today is a Friday, and a day off of school and work for me and my boys. Their school believes in lots of days off, and breaks, and teacher-work days. This is usually a really great thing for me, but now that I'm working outside the home, those extra days off get tricky. Today was good though, because I only work every other Friday, and so this morning we did lots of sleeping in, and relaxing. We had a late breakfast of crepes and scrambled eggs and then I went for a short walk with my mom and her golden retriever, Dolly, while the boys played Minecraft. It was a good walk-- about a mile, but my mom walks faster than I do, and it was mostly uphill. I had a hard time keeping up and breathing normally. I was all red-faced by the time I got to her home. I was grateful that she had been planning on driving me back to my house afterwards.
As we walked and drove, my mom spoke about some of the challenges with her job right now. She will most likely be the director of the mindfulness program for all of Intermountain Health. That is a really big job. She will have lots more responsibility, and make lots more money, and help lots more people. She will be the big boss over lots of other mindfulness teachers, and will interact frequently with the CEO's and CFO's and head administrators of the entire company...which is a big, important Utah company. She is a big deal. And she will do an amazing job. She's worked hard her whole life. She has her PhD, and she has helped hundreds of patients, and taught hundreds of mindfulness students. She deserves this opportunity if she wants it, and truly she will be amazing. But, in spite of all her amazing qualifications and experience, she was feeling threatened this morning by the other teachers and also by a mindfulness guy at the University of Utah who has headed up millions of dollars of research in the field, and is younger than her, and trained at Harvard, etc. etc.
As she was speaking I found myself thinking about the fact that whatever we choose to do with our lives, there will always be the opportunity for us to compare ourselves to others, and to feel badly about ourselves if we want to. Or we can compare ourselves to those "beneath" us and feel better about ourselves if we want to. But neither of those comparisons is healthy, helpful, or honest.
I also found myself wondering what my mom must think of me, her daughter, who does not even have a Master's degree, let alone a PhD, or MD. If value comes from advanced degrees, and influence, and attractiveness, and youth, and power, (which is what she seemed to be saying) then where did that leave me? I work part-time at the county library. I am fifty pounds over-weight (at least). I make 12 dollars an hour. I haven't won an award since I was a teacher eleven years ago. I was a high-school English teacher for three years before I was a mom. And I quit my teaching job when I became a mom. My big struggle today is trying to figure out if I should keep working those 20 hours a week at the library or if I should quit so that I can be home with my boys in the evenings. I am not a high-powered anything. My ambitions are somewhat limited. I want to lose some weight and be more healthy so I can be around for my family, and go on hikes with them, and ride bikes with them, and maybe, hopefully, have another baby. I want to publish a children's book someday, just because I have some really good ideas for them, and I like children's books. I want to clean my house really well, and repaint some rooms. I want to go to the temple more, and plant a garden this year and go on a little getaway for my anniversary. And what must my mom think of me. I began to do some negative spiraling....I began projecting thoughts and feelings onto my mom. She must think I am not living up to my potential. She must think that I am a huge embarrassment and disappointment. She must think that I am a fool, and ugly and fat. She must think that I have an un-extraordinary, and rather little life. As I compared myself to my mom and the people she was talking about I began to feel horrible about my own life. This is not a good way to strengthen mother-daughter relationships. And someone wise once said that these comparisons are not a healthy, helpful or honest thing to do, either!
But there I was back home, feeling sweaty, out-of-shape, and embarrassed about my own lack of success in life.
I was snippy with the boys and tried to get them to hurry so we could head to the zoo. I found myself feeling unhappy about the holes in James' shoes, and the garbage in the van. I took out my frustrations and feelings of inadequacy on them. Not cool. Then I felt even worse about myself. Here I am "just" a mom and wife, and I'm even doing that badly!
I prayed that I could change, and that I could remember the many things I've learned these past years about where my worth comes from, and what things are of greatest importance in life and the eternities.
It was when we were all in the car, and had just stopped at McDonalds to get some lunch on our way that things shifted for me. We were going to the zoo today. I have three amazing, kind, brilliant, handsome, good boys who I love with all my heart and we get to spend the day together and go to the zoo.... and the book store. I stopped caring what other people thought, and stopped caring who was more beautiful and successful and accomplished, and I got back into my own life.....and I love it. I love being able to spend time with these boys. I love watching them and listening to them. They love me too, and love spending time with me. That feels so good.
We ate food and listened to music and Peter quizzed us on the best video games from 2017....using a book James had bought from the book fair this past year. It was surprisingly fun to try and guess the top 4 Mario characters from the new Mario game. We sang along to our favorite tunes..."My House", "I'm On Top of the World" and "Die, Die, Die". We had a fabulous ride to the zoo. It was really warm today for January, and we only needed light jackets. That felt wonderful. I wasn't too tired to wander all around the zoo--even after my fast walk earlier. My heart is doing better, and I am so grateful for that. My dad came and joined us half-way through the excursion, and that was really, really nice. The boys had fun seeing the animals, riding the carousel, and running about. The big cats were especially active today and that was fun. The leopards were so funny...pouncing and jumping around on each other. I could have watched them all evening.
When we left the zoo, and said goodbye to Grampy, I felt so grateful, peaceful, and happy. We went to the bookstore, and I felt proud of my boys and the way they act in stores, and the way they love to read. I was proud of the way they interacted with the book store clerks, and grateful that we could be there together. I picked out a healthy cook-book to help me continue to lose that extra weight, and thought about how fun it would be to try some new recipes. And Peter could help me cook. He really enjoys helping me in the kitchen. I called Ryan on our way home, to let him know we'd be a little late. He was so kind and loving. He told me to drive safely and take my time. I picked up a pizza on our way back and we had pizza and movie night together. We watched Born in China... Peter's pick, but one he knew William would like too. I love that they are thoughtful and care about each other. I snuggled with each of the boys as we watched the show and ate our pizza. I had some salad too.
I realize that I may not influence hundreds or thousands of people in my work, or in my life. But my influence is deep and real and good. I may not make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, but I am grateful and happy to have money for the things we need, plus a little extra for the zoo and pizza. I love my "little" life. It doesn't feel little to me. It feels joyful and rich and deep and real. I love my relationships with my boys. I love my neighbors and friends. I love my mom, and I'm grateful for the things she teaches me. I know she loves me too. I know she struggles to love herself, and that has a huge impact on her relationships with others. I think it's nearly impossible to love others without loving yourself. I don't want to have that same struggle in my life anymore. I remind myself all the time what I know...what I've learned...what matters most.
Later tonight I realized that I had left Peter's Epipen shot at the zoo in the stroller we had rented. Horrible sinking feeling realizing this. I always have his Epipen close by, just in case. He is so deathly allergic to all nuts. I called his doctor's office, the pharmacy, the on-call doctor, and ended up at Smith's pharmacy hoping and praying that we would be able to buy an Epipen before the pharmacy closed. As I was sitting there waiting, I got a text from a friend and neighbor in our ward, Alexis Holden. She was just showing me a cute picture of her oldest son Max (he's three) and telling me that with his haircut, his dad had said he looked like a "Keyes Guy". I responded telling her that he was adorable and thanks for the picture. Then she asked about my night. I told her a little about what we'd been doing and asked about her night. She kept texting and then finally I told her where I was and what I was doing there. She immediately texted back and said she would ask her extended family if they had an extra epipen.
Smith's pharmacy closed. I drove across the street to CVS pharmacy and called the nurse hot-line again---trying to get a hold of the elusive doctor on call. Nothing. I called Ryan. He said we could just watch Peter and he'd be okay and we'd get the shot from the zoo the next day. And then Alexis texted back and told me that her husband's grandmother had an extra shot and he would go get it and be to my house within the hour. I ran into the pharmacy and got him his favorite treat (jerky) and went home in tears, grateful that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my family. Peter probably would have been just fine, but I would not have been okay. I would have been up all night watching him. And Alexis just happened to text right then. I am so grateful that she followed promptings. I am so grateful for my life and for my Heavenly Father. I want to live up to my potential...which is to be like Him someday. And that comes from learning how to love. Not from making more money, or being more famous, or even having advanced degrees. And learning to love starts with realizing that I am loved. I am lovable, imperfect and flawed as I may be. And I love myself. And I love my family. And I love others and I'm learning how to love those who are harder to love. Any life can bless us with the opportunities we need to learn to love.
I loved watching the boys on the carousel today. William on the Tiger. James on the Lion. Peter on the Eagle. James picked the tallest animal and needed my help to get down afterwards. I loved picking him up, lifting his little six-year-old body off the back of the big lion, and carrying him out of the gate to the brothers and the Grampy. I love my life.
As we walked and drove, my mom spoke about some of the challenges with her job right now. She will most likely be the director of the mindfulness program for all of Intermountain Health. That is a really big job. She will have lots more responsibility, and make lots more money, and help lots more people. She will be the big boss over lots of other mindfulness teachers, and will interact frequently with the CEO's and CFO's and head administrators of the entire company...which is a big, important Utah company. She is a big deal. And she will do an amazing job. She's worked hard her whole life. She has her PhD, and she has helped hundreds of patients, and taught hundreds of mindfulness students. She deserves this opportunity if she wants it, and truly she will be amazing. But, in spite of all her amazing qualifications and experience, she was feeling threatened this morning by the other teachers and also by a mindfulness guy at the University of Utah who has headed up millions of dollars of research in the field, and is younger than her, and trained at Harvard, etc. etc.
As she was speaking I found myself thinking about the fact that whatever we choose to do with our lives, there will always be the opportunity for us to compare ourselves to others, and to feel badly about ourselves if we want to. Or we can compare ourselves to those "beneath" us and feel better about ourselves if we want to. But neither of those comparisons is healthy, helpful, or honest.
I also found myself wondering what my mom must think of me, her daughter, who does not even have a Master's degree, let alone a PhD, or MD. If value comes from advanced degrees, and influence, and attractiveness, and youth, and power, (which is what she seemed to be saying) then where did that leave me? I work part-time at the county library. I am fifty pounds over-weight (at least). I make 12 dollars an hour. I haven't won an award since I was a teacher eleven years ago. I was a high-school English teacher for three years before I was a mom. And I quit my teaching job when I became a mom. My big struggle today is trying to figure out if I should keep working those 20 hours a week at the library or if I should quit so that I can be home with my boys in the evenings. I am not a high-powered anything. My ambitions are somewhat limited. I want to lose some weight and be more healthy so I can be around for my family, and go on hikes with them, and ride bikes with them, and maybe, hopefully, have another baby. I want to publish a children's book someday, just because I have some really good ideas for them, and I like children's books. I want to clean my house really well, and repaint some rooms. I want to go to the temple more, and plant a garden this year and go on a little getaway for my anniversary. And what must my mom think of me. I began to do some negative spiraling....I began projecting thoughts and feelings onto my mom. She must think I am not living up to my potential. She must think that I am a huge embarrassment and disappointment. She must think that I am a fool, and ugly and fat. She must think that I have an un-extraordinary, and rather little life. As I compared myself to my mom and the people she was talking about I began to feel horrible about my own life. This is not a good way to strengthen mother-daughter relationships. And someone wise once said that these comparisons are not a healthy, helpful or honest thing to do, either!
But there I was back home, feeling sweaty, out-of-shape, and embarrassed about my own lack of success in life.
I was snippy with the boys and tried to get them to hurry so we could head to the zoo. I found myself feeling unhappy about the holes in James' shoes, and the garbage in the van. I took out my frustrations and feelings of inadequacy on them. Not cool. Then I felt even worse about myself. Here I am "just" a mom and wife, and I'm even doing that badly!
I prayed that I could change, and that I could remember the many things I've learned these past years about where my worth comes from, and what things are of greatest importance in life and the eternities.
It was when we were all in the car, and had just stopped at McDonalds to get some lunch on our way that things shifted for me. We were going to the zoo today. I have three amazing, kind, brilliant, handsome, good boys who I love with all my heart and we get to spend the day together and go to the zoo.... and the book store. I stopped caring what other people thought, and stopped caring who was more beautiful and successful and accomplished, and I got back into my own life.....and I love it. I love being able to spend time with these boys. I love watching them and listening to them. They love me too, and love spending time with me. That feels so good.
We ate food and listened to music and Peter quizzed us on the best video games from 2017....using a book James had bought from the book fair this past year. It was surprisingly fun to try and guess the top 4 Mario characters from the new Mario game. We sang along to our favorite tunes..."My House", "I'm On Top of the World" and "Die, Die, Die". We had a fabulous ride to the zoo. It was really warm today for January, and we only needed light jackets. That felt wonderful. I wasn't too tired to wander all around the zoo--even after my fast walk earlier. My heart is doing better, and I am so grateful for that. My dad came and joined us half-way through the excursion, and that was really, really nice. The boys had fun seeing the animals, riding the carousel, and running about. The big cats were especially active today and that was fun. The leopards were so funny...pouncing and jumping around on each other. I could have watched them all evening.
I realize that I may not influence hundreds or thousands of people in my work, or in my life. But my influence is deep and real and good. I may not make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, but I am grateful and happy to have money for the things we need, plus a little extra for the zoo and pizza. I love my "little" life. It doesn't feel little to me. It feels joyful and rich and deep and real. I love my relationships with my boys. I love my neighbors and friends. I love my mom, and I'm grateful for the things she teaches me. I know she loves me too. I know she struggles to love herself, and that has a huge impact on her relationships with others. I think it's nearly impossible to love others without loving yourself. I don't want to have that same struggle in my life anymore. I remind myself all the time what I know...what I've learned...what matters most.
Later tonight I realized that I had left Peter's Epipen shot at the zoo in the stroller we had rented. Horrible sinking feeling realizing this. I always have his Epipen close by, just in case. He is so deathly allergic to all nuts. I called his doctor's office, the pharmacy, the on-call doctor, and ended up at Smith's pharmacy hoping and praying that we would be able to buy an Epipen before the pharmacy closed. As I was sitting there waiting, I got a text from a friend and neighbor in our ward, Alexis Holden. She was just showing me a cute picture of her oldest son Max (he's three) and telling me that with his haircut, his dad had said he looked like a "Keyes Guy". I responded telling her that he was adorable and thanks for the picture. Then she asked about my night. I told her a little about what we'd been doing and asked about her night. She kept texting and then finally I told her where I was and what I was doing there. She immediately texted back and said she would ask her extended family if they had an extra epipen.
Smith's pharmacy closed. I drove across the street to CVS pharmacy and called the nurse hot-line again---trying to get a hold of the elusive doctor on call. Nothing. I called Ryan. He said we could just watch Peter and he'd be okay and we'd get the shot from the zoo the next day. And then Alexis texted back and told me that her husband's grandmother had an extra shot and he would go get it and be to my house within the hour. I ran into the pharmacy and got him his favorite treat (jerky) and went home in tears, grateful that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my family. Peter probably would have been just fine, but I would not have been okay. I would have been up all night watching him. And Alexis just happened to text right then. I am so grateful that she followed promptings. I am so grateful for my life and for my Heavenly Father. I want to live up to my potential...which is to be like Him someday. And that comes from learning how to love. Not from making more money, or being more famous, or even having advanced degrees. And learning to love starts with realizing that I am loved. I am lovable, imperfect and flawed as I may be. And I love myself. And I love my family. And I love others and I'm learning how to love those who are harder to love. Any life can bless us with the opportunities we need to learn to love.
I loved watching the boys on the carousel today. William on the Tiger. James on the Lion. Peter on the Eagle. James picked the tallest animal and needed my help to get down afterwards. I loved picking him up, lifting his little six-year-old body off the back of the big lion, and carrying him out of the gate to the brothers and the Grampy. I love my life.
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