"Simple and Deep": Mr. Rogers' Winning Combination

I have begun again.  I have started a new blog, because I want to put everything in it.  I have had my proud-mother-of-young-boys' blog, "Bungalow Boys", and I have had my personal-questy blog, "Masters of Joy", and I have written very little in either of them lately.  So I want to simplify and put everything together in one happy--nay, one joyful blog.  And I want to write in it about my days, and thoughts, and feelings, and my husband and of course my boys.

This photo is our home last October.  I have some lovely pictures of our home this October, but they are still on my phone, and not on my computer, and I can't seem to get them onto this blog.  The home this year looks very similar, although we have fewer brightly colored mums in the garden.  We have one huge purple one that came back this year, and looks beautiful, and a little spooky, and looks like I totally meant for it to come back and get huge.  I love it.  We also no longer have flower pots on our porch rail, because I have given them all away to family and friends and visiting teachees and neighbors-- which feels really good.  We have lots of pumpkins, and when we give some away I take a trip up to Grammy's produce after dropping the boys off at school and I get a few more.  Ryan thinks we need to plant pumpkins in our garden next year-- just so we can make ends meet in the fall.  He may be right.

They are just such perfect decorations.  They are natural.  They are pretty, without being pretentious.  They don't need to be watered, or have varying degrees of direct or indirect sunlight.  They come in so many different shapes and colors, and they all coordinate so well, because they are all autumnal.  I love the way we can let the lawn go a little bit in autumn.  I love the fact that the leaves that fall on the lawn and walks add to the beauty of the front yard.  I love that I can put dried out corn stalks in the corner of the porch and have them leave little traces of leaves and corn tassels everywhere and it doesn't look messy, it looks harvesty and autumnal and perfect.  It is the time of year when imperfection is exactly perfect.  Maybe that's why I like it so much.  I love Christmas, but I think autumn is my favorite holiday.

I have been thinking and praying lately about letting go. I have been thinking this as I have watched the brightly colored trees, turn, and then let go of their brilliant leaves.  They do this gracefully and with dignity.  And the leaves are beautiful as they fall, and they litter the ground and then they are whisked away by the wind, or rakes (but not at our house for a few more weeks), and then the trees are ready for whatever winter wants to send them.  And some of the trees may suffer during the winter, in spite of their preparations, and their letting go, but they are still willing to let the seasons change.  They are willing and ready and beautiful as they embrace the changes ahead.  And they get ready by letting go.

And yes, there are so many metaphors in that last paragraph, and so many wise and timeless tree truths I have yet to internalize.  But I'm trying.  And I'm praying about it.  I asked Heavenly Father the other day to help me to learn from these beautiful trees how to let go of resentment, and grudges, and fear, and doubt, and judgement--to live more fully in the present, and to prepare with hope and joy for the future.

I think that finding joy in letting go is one of those simple and deep ideas that Mr. Rogers spoke about  in an interview he gave years back.  He said that lots of what people think about and focus on tends to be shallow and complicated.  What he tried to focus on in his interactions with others, on television, and otherwise, were ideas and thoughts that were simple enough for a child to understand, but deep enough to be studied and developed over a lifetime.  I can teach James that letting go of a toy that he has lost can be really hard, but that eventually over time he will feel better, and he can be happy again.  As Daniel Tiger would sing, "It's okay to be sad sometimes.  Little by little, you'll feel better again."  I have sung that so many times to my kids and to myself.  It is okay to be sad.  And letting go can be difficult, but it allows us to live in the now, and to prepare for the new future-- and to do so with joy.

I need to get to sleep, and Ryan is still at a bishopric meeting.  It is hard for me to sleep when he is not here.  But I need to write that I am not letting go of dreams, and hopes and excitement about the future.  I have so many plans.  I am simply trying to let go of anger, and anxiety, and shame, and all those other emotions I mentioned before.  I want to forgive everyone who has ever wronged me.  I want to not be a victim again.  I want to stop judging others and categorizing and comparing and competing.  It feels good when I can get into that space.  I want to let go of trying to control everything in my boys' lives.  I can't do it.  I want to let go of trying to control my husband.  He doesn't need it, even if I could do it.  I want to let go of trying to change other people in my life.  I want to believe that everyone is doing the best they can.

I felt so good the day I gave the crib and changing table (that I had just acquired) away.  If we have another baby, I have no doubt we will have many friends and family who will give us many baby gifts.  We will find new ones.  But in the meantime I had a friend who is expecting her first baby next month who was without a crib-- even after the shower our ward threw for her.  It felt so good.  She was so excited.  It was a beautiful crib and the changing table matched and her baby girl will be so happy.  And so am I.